Divine Retribution
by blued black
Summary: Severus has become an empty shell, that no longer has the desire to live, or the ability to function. First Fic. SeverusRemus Pairing. SLASH Rating may go up. Warnings inside. RR


**Divine Retribution**

**Disclaimer: Not mine**

**Authoress note: First time writing a fanfic. I apologize for its appearance as I don't have anything other than WordPad on my computer. But I'm in the process of getting it now. So bear with me until this thing can be edited. Also, this story is sorta like a trail basisfor me, which is why this first chapter (if you could call it that) is so very short. However, if I decide to move ahead with this the following chapters are going to be much longer and will contain more content and perhaps even a plot. Reviews would be greatly appreciated for this, even flames. **

**Warnings: Contains Self-harm and Slash, that means a guy/guy pairing. No like, no read. Simple no?**

I often found myself here. Whether it was because of unconcious placement or perhaps an inner instinct to full-fill petty desires. Either way, I was in locked in up the downstairs bathroom again, sprawled out across the floor, a razor blade lying close by, its metal surface shinning oddly in the moonlight that was pouring in from the dirty window to my left.. Blood was flowing profouisly from my right arm where the message 'Divine Retribution' was carved into my inner forearm. It had been a strange thing to carve, as most of my self-inflicted messages were something of a more pre-mediated nature. This one however, had been a completely random impulse, something that I was not use to. I released a sigh, at my own stupidty, my own lack of self-control. Turning over I curled up on my side, aimlessly tracing the groves in on the tiles of the floor. I should be in my office, grading papers right now, the homework of my students had been piling up on the side of my desk; some of it which had been turned in weeks ago. I smiled ruefully at the thought, 'Hogwarts Potions Master' was not a title I deserved anymore, if it had ever been that I deserved it in the first place. Shakily I lifted myself up on two unsteady arms, the metallic scent of blood lingered heavily in the room, its strong odor making me feel quesey Shifting I moved into a sitting position, reaching over for my wand that still laid beside my long since disgarded cloack. I picked it up and with a quick wave and flick, the blood dissapeared. I stood up, walking over to the sinks and laying down my wand behind it taps before turning on the water. I washed the blood from my arm and then my hands, shutting off the water and turning to the paper towel dispenser. After drying my hands, I picked up my wand and on the way out of the restroom, my cloak. Fastening it swiftly to me as a walked down the hallway of Hogwarts. These nightly 'escapes' as I called them, were becoming far too numerous; the time gaps in between each growing shorter and shorter as the days went by. It was probably very late now, my sense of time had long since left me and seeing as how I had only the visible part of the night sky to go by, I assumed it was nearing morning. I wondered if he had arrived back yet from his trip to the Grimwauld Place...

"Severus?" ask a gentle voice from behind me. I cursed mentally turning on heel and coming face to face with the recently reinstated 'Defense Against the Dark Arts' teacher: Remus Lupin. "Severus, what are you doing out this time of night?" He ask frowning softly. My eyes immediately fell to the ground at his expression. I had dissapointed him again, I promised I would sleep tonight; something I hadn't done for days now. I swallowed the lumb in my throat and licked my dry lips, before glancing up briefly at his face. His eyes were filled worry and I felt my heart sink further. Why he even bothered to put up with me I would never know. "I was just..." I broke off, unable to lie to him. "I'm sorry Remus," I whispered quietly casting my eyes downward once more. "Its okay Sev." He said soothingly, reaching out to tuck loose strands of my fallen hair behind my ear. I flinched at his touch, silently wondering how he could bear to touch something so gruesome. I heard him give a soft cry and my head snapped up immediately. I caught a fleeting image of his tear filled eyes before I was pulled into a tight embrace. "Oh Sev.."

It was snowing outside. Excitement of the upcoming Hoildays hung in the air at Hogwarts, as its students eagerly anticapted its arrival. Decorations were being hung throughout the castle; their festive tinsel and bright colors nausated me. I hated Christmas...Hated it, hated it, hated it. I was locked in my chambers today, secluded and alone, a true reflextion of how I often felt inside nowadays. Remus had said he needed to get his Christmas shopping finished. He had suggested that I come along, but I had declined. I hated the big crowds that were customed to Diagon Alley at this time of year; I felt like an outsider to their joy, an imposter to their happiness....Luckily, Remus understood this and left me to my own devices until his return, which he promised would be soon. I glanced up at the clock on the mantel, it had long since stopped, but I never bothered to change the batteries in it. I found the useless clock to be comforting in some strange sort of way. It reminded me of myself...not only had it outgrown its usefullness, but it had in a sense, ceased to exsist in some right. Nothing seemed to make any sense to me anymore. Everything just seemed to slip by in a hazed fog, and I found myself often forgetten earlier conversations and even the what day of the week it was occasionally. Time indeed seemed like the sand of an hour-glass, and no matter how hard I tried I could not keep it fine grains from escaping my grasp. WIth a frown I turned from the clock and stared instead down at the mug of coffee cupped in my pale hands. Remus had brought down some breakfast for me from the Great Hall before leaving earlier this morning; it had long since grown cold and still remained untouched. Slowly, I took a sip of my coffee, only to discover that it too had long since lost its warmth. Just how long have I been sitting here...I wondered, glancing back up at the clock out of habit. With an aggraveted sigh I stood placing the coffee on the table and picking up the ignored tray of food and taking it to the kitchen. Remus would be sure to check the garbage...I glanced around the room trying to find a place to deposit the food. If he found out that I had once again not eaten, he would be angry with me; or worse, dissapointed. I shivered involuntarily at the memory of last time. Finally, I decided to empty out the food in the waste basket of the bathroom. Hoping that he would not think to look in there for my wasted breakfast. I brought the plate back to the kitchen and placed it in the sink along with Remus' soiled dishes from that morning. I instantly set about washing, rinsing and drying them, not even bothering to use magic to assist me. I just needed something to occupy my time until Remus got back, a part of me prayed that he would hurry; but the other wished for the opposite. I could already feel the gnawing in the pit of my stomach, the feeling of guilt. I couldn't lie to him, and I knew that once more I would have to witness that look upon his face again, the sadness in those hazel eyes. My arms began itching almost unbearably at the need to cut, but I refused to return to the bathroom. Not eating was more than enough to dissapoint Remus, as was my lack of sleep. I refused to do anything more to hurt him, even though I knew that sooner or later I would once again break my promises to him. I always did.


End file.
